Dane Cook Quotes

No one wants to drown. Drowning would be the worst. Cause everyone knows that feeling. That feeling, oh it's the worst... when you think you're drowning.

I can smell bullshit from a mile away but it's so much harder to detect when it's around you all day.

Start each day out the holy way..with Christ Chex, it's a miracle in a bowl. Just open the box and you hear AHHHHH....and then a lil' angel flies out and says 'good morning, life is beautiful!'.

When you delete pictures of your ex off your phone, it feels lighter.

That MySpace is the story of the year. Everyone but my mother is on it.

I could take my time, and nobody was pressuring me to be a headliner. I could go up there, find my voice, and figure out what I wanted to do.

When you are doing stand-up comedy, you are the writer, producer, director, sometimes bouncer.

Losing my mind sounds so pessimistic. I prefer the term winning my insanity.

When you see somebody walking down the street wearing a Superman t-shirt, you just want to shoot them in the chest ... when they start to bleed go, I guess not

I'm always going to be someone that people enjoy watching.

You have to realize, when you're a comedian, that you have to have a thick skin. And trust me, being onstage in front of people is already difficult enough. Somebody's personal attack in an email is not as hard as getting onstage.

When you're not in love, when you don't have love, everybody you know falls in love.

I'm curious by individuals that embrace half a story so they can justify how incomplete they feel about their own self worth.

I'm going to hell, ah... but you're laughing, so you're coming.

We're all gonna lie, we're all gonna cry, and we're all gonna take painful shits.

I saw a young boy eating an ice cream cone, ... I smashed it in his face. You know that kid is going to remember me when he's 50.

I want to be able to challenge myself. And do things that are away from what I usually do. Stand-up is safe for me. I can do stand-up in front of twenty-five thousand people, and I'm like, "I know how to do this. This is what I do." I want to be a little scared.

I'm sure that people who have been tweeting funny things have ended up on writing staffs of a late night show.

We all hope for breakthrough rebirth moments. When you're headed for a breakthrough moment, it's kind of scary because you say, 'If I break through then I have to make great change in my life.'

Drive, ego and cocksureness are all essential elements in terms of getting exactly what you want but losing everything you've got.

Every time you come in from cheating on someone, they'll just whip out the most adorable term of endearment. Like, they'll wake up, bright and early, sleep in their eyes and say: "Hey, perfect."

My professional dreams were coming true while I was living a personal nightmare.

I don't hate anyone. I simply block them out using hellish visions in a blind white rage. But if I see them out I'm pleasant.

Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.

Every joke has its origin - the punching people in the face joke. It hurts like hell to get punched in the face.

You know your girls up to no good when her and her friends make a pact to post nothing on Instagram.

When someone's running late through an airport, I hope they miss their flight so they can meet the love of their life at the duty free shop.

I'm interested in doing anything and everything that I can to squeeze the creativity out of my brain. I guess I'm kind of a performance rat, that's what I want to do, I love being on stage if I'm not on a set. I just love putting creativity into a performance.

I always wanted to be a snake. Every time I saw a snake on TV. I'd always say 'Why not me?'

You have to learn the crowd. I just pay attention to them so I can make sure I can make them laugh.

There were times, earlier in my career, where I didn't have the wherewithal to self-edit, and I probably said things and pushed the limits to places where people might be put off. But that's truly part of developing as an artist.

Then it was snack time, right in the middle of mass. Right out of nowhere, the priest would look down and say, 'Let's have some yum yums!' You would get in line - you would jump in the line - and you would go up and get the crouton O'Christ.

My fam is just a regular family. But all of them have great senses of humor.

Listening to Evanescence makes me want to break up with a girl in real time as a giant antique hourglass falls to the floor in slow motion.

Sometimes sex is just a way to escape having to talk to that person.

The whole thing with comedy is that you are always in control. Writer, director, actor, producer, and sometimes bouncer. And you are just a piece of their puzzle.

It's amazing how dumb people can impress you with how much stupider they can be when they really assert themselves.

The key to attempting to create art in some aspect is also knowing that it will turn some people off.

Anger has a way of seeping into every other emotion and planting itself in there.

Some people give you that motivation to work harder simply to get the hell away from wherever they are.

I had one job that was kind of cop-like. One summer I did security at a miniature golf course. Just standing out in the sun all day, Hey, hey, excuse me sir. Get your putter out of the whale's ass. Come on, this is a place of miniature business. This is not a playground even though it looks like a playground.

A couple of days back, I got into a car accident. Not my fault. Even if it's not your fault, the other person gets out of their car and looks at you like it's your fault: Why did you stop at a red light and let me hit you doing 80!

I do think I am funny, or I wouldn't be where I am today. I do think there is always room for improvement and learning.

I say God bless you... I don't say bless you... I'm not the Lord. I can't do that...

Nice teeth is a turn on for me. If you open your mouth and it looks like a battle of epic proportions, I don't like it.

I would still have old ladies come up to me after the show and pat me on the cheek after I had said all this vulgar stuff. They would be like, 'Oh you're a silly boy - we know you're just playing.

I was very good at kickball ... I was wonderful at ah doing that kick and your leg goes up and your shoe went on top of the school

I don't like littering and I think it leads to terrorist activities.