Three weeks ago one of my dreams came true. I finally got to see something I always wanted to witness live. I finally saw someone get hit by a car... Nailed!

We're all gonna lie, we're all gonna cry, and we're all gonna take painful shits.

If you lie to a person at least tell someone else you've lied to the truth. It balances out your karma.

True love is when you're cheating on a person but the thought of them still makes your eyes smile!

The problem with dating a model is they won't go out with you if your cars color doesn't match their outfit.

They used to beat me up after Sunday School, I used to get beat up... yeah, that's a nice little thank you from Jesus.

I can't relate to the idea of suicide. I guess I'm just one of those people that is always optimistic and upbeat. But one day, I sat down. I said 'You know what? Just to kind of purge myself, I want to see what its like to feel that low'. So I decided to write a suicide note. Yeah, just to kinda flush it out there and put it on a page. And I started to do this, and I had an epiphany. I'll share this with you: a suicide note that is written by somebody that is not suicidal is called an autobiography. I am on Chapter 58.