How do you fall into a lion's den, that is my first question there, you think you would be extra carefull around a den of lions.

When you don't have love, it's like there's a party going on, and everybody was invited, except for you. And you just happened to be walking by that house in the rain...

When you are doing stand-up comedy, you are the writer, producer, director, sometimes bouncer.

You know what I'd like to be able to do more than anything else? I'd love to be able to shoot spaghetti out of my fingertips. Pppptthhh! Cause no one wants to be covered in spaghetti. No. If I'm on a date with a girl and she's very rude, I'd be like, You know what? Pppptthhh! Enjoy your spaghetti, you're very rude. Enjoy your spaghetti, cause you're rude. Pppptthhh!

It's not for any purpose such as religion, health, or things like that, I just never felt I had the need or want to drink or do drugs.

My grandmother died of natural causes. Or as my family calls it murdered by the lord.

I saw a young boy eating an ice cream cone, ... I smashed it in his face. You know that kid is going to remember me when he's 50.