The more I protest that I'm not Lemony Snicket, and that I'm Daniel Handler instead, the more it becomes clear to the audience that I am in fact Lemony Snicket, that I am in fact standing in front of them.

I don't know why wicked places generally look wicked. You'd think they'd look nice, to fool people, but they hardly ever do.

If you don’t care about something, one way to demonstrate your feelings is to say the word and then repeat the word with the letters S-C-H-M replacing the first letters. Somebody who didn’t care about dentists, for instance could say ‘Dentist, schmentists.

We laughed the rest of the way, because the point of this story is, it is not the cookies. It is the love.

They say that when you’re really in love, the world becomes gossamer and gorgeous, but in my experience the world gets grimy, and the love object is in stark relief from the surroundings. This is love, a pretty thing on an ugly street.

Well-read people are less likely to be evil.

When you need a haircut, it looks like you have no one to take care of you.