I gotta quit smoking, doctor's orders, and the drinking, court orders.

I used to do drugs, but that was way back there.

Let's say you're in a situation where crystal meth can help you. Like, I don't know, you have too many teeth.

I'm sorry, was that homophobic? No--I think it was, 'cause I hear that a lot. Dave, What?, You're talking about being gay. You probably secretly are gay. And I'm like listen voice in my head, I'm not! HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU WOULDN'T LIKE IT? HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU WOULDN'T LIKE IT? I know I wouldn't like it, other scarier voice in my head! 'Cause one time while making a sandwich, a cucumber went up my ass. Three times.

Sometimes you need a cigarette. Like after you have sex with a beautiful woman or a confused young man.

There's a fine line between masturbating while you look out a window, and masturbating while you're looking in a window. I'll give you a hint: one of 'em is super illegal.

For me, Molly Hatchet is high school. It makes me feel like I have hair and a future.