I gotta quit smoking, doctor's orders, and the drinking, court orders.

My day jobs... I knew I was bad at those, so I didn't really have the confidence to think that I could do comedy. But I knew I hated the day jobs.

You know what my drink is? Jack Daniel's. Yes, that is a wild man drink. That should come with bail money, you know what I'm saying? Because on Jack, you don't know where you're going to end up, but you know when you get there, you won't be wearing any pants.

Once you get offstage you're just like everyone else, and everyone else can get into a fight.

I have no grand scheme.

I masturbate! I do it like I think if I keep doing it, I'm gonna win something.

You know, men and women are a lot alike in certain situations. Like when they're both on fire - they're exactly alike.