I'm a stand-up comic. Anything else I do besides that is a plus, but stand-up comedy is what I do, it's what I've been doing and it's what I'm going to keep doing.

Is she crazy, like it says on her bracelet, or is she just looking at my sheets? I dunno!

I don't think I'm a star or a celebrity or any thing like that.

Yeah, I know, some people are against drunk driving, and I call those people 'the cops.' But you know, sometimes, you've just got no choice; those kids gotta get to school!

When I first saw a strap on, I put it on my head and ran around like a rhino.

You know what wakes me up? A tongue in the ass. There is no alarm clock on that one, you are up, you are shaking, you are in a karate stance.....the day has begun.

For me, Molly Hatchet is high school. It makes me feel like I have hair and a future.