I'm a stand-up comic. Anything else I do besides that is a plus, but stand-up comedy is what I do, it's what I've been doing and it's what I'm going to keep doing.

If you go to Germany and get drunk, at some point you will try to look up Hitler in the phone book.

Here's a tip: never get drunk while wearing a hooded sweatshirt. You will eventually think there's someone right behind you.

I gotta quit smoking, doctor's orders, and the drinking, court orders.

I have no grand scheme.

Women have all the power because women have all the vaginas.

Capital punishment, that thing scares me, it really does. I was talking to my friend about the electric chair, and he starts freakin' out. He's like 'the electric chair? That's too good for these people. That's too good for them'. Alright, how do we make the electric chair worse? How about this? They have to pedal a car battery to their own head. Is that ok? Is that enough, Mr. Hitler?