Is she crazy, like it says on her bracelet, or is she just looking at my sheets? I dunno!

I have an imagination because my life is so boring that my imagination lets me get off the reality of what's going on.

For me, Molly Hatchet is high school. It makes me feel like I have hair and a future.

Never drink alone, that's what they say. But you know what? If you drink you will never be alone, alright?

I'm a stand-up comic. Anything else I do besides that is a plus, but stand-up comedy is what I do, it's what I've been doing and it's what I'm going to keep doing.

You know what wakes me up? A tongue in the ass. There is no alarm clock on that one, you are up, you are shaking, you are in a karate stance.....the day has begun.

If I was to have sex with one animal it would be a horse. That is a beautiful animal. And when you have sex with a horse, you know you always have a ride home.