I never wanted to be famous.

So I took her back to my place and we did it doggy style, not because we planned it that way, but that's just how she passed out.

Remember when you're young and you think your dad is Superman? And then you grow up and realized he's just a drunk who wears a cape.

You know what my drink is? Jack Daniel's. Yes, that is a wild man drink. That should come with bail money, you know what I'm saying? Because on Jack, you don't know where you're going to end up, but you know when you get there, you won't be wearing any pants.

I love Fear Factor, but I think they're running out of fears. It's only a matter of time before they're sitting around doing shots of Hepatitis C.

I don't mind a crowd's not laughing; it's the groans that slow down the show.

I hang out with my dad mostly, my dad was in the military. He's at that age now where his war stories and other stories have blended together, so now you don't know what he's talking about. One time, we were surrounded, then we ran out of ammo, then we were fighting hand-to-hand, then we started dancing, and that's how I met your mother.