I never wanted to be famous.

Sparklers are the gay cousins of the fireworks family.

I went skiing today, too, yeah. I didn't wanna go. The girl I'm stalking wanted to go, so... I'm not kiddin!

I'm a joke comic. I tell jokes. I like writing a joke, and I like when a joke works, and I like other comics who tell jokes.

Remember when you're young and you think your dad is Superman? And then you grow up and realized he's just a drunk who wears a cape.

A joke is a joke, and people put too much meaning behind it. They react to it in the wrong way. I mean, you can boo or laugh, and that's pretty much what you're supposed to do with jokes. You're not supposed to take it any further than that.

Aspirin will not bring dead hookers back to life.