I keep getting these people at my shows who only know me from television. I can always tell when they're, like, emotionally flinching when I start doing my jokes.

I'm not like a performer type.

I don't watch reality TV.

You know what my drink is? Jack Daniel's. Yes, that is a wild man drink. That should come with bail money, you know what I'm saying? Because on Jack, you don't know where you're going to end up, but you know when you get there, you won't be wearing any pants.

If you go to Germany and get drunk, at some point you will try to look up Hitler in the phone book.

Are you shooting webs of stupid at me?

Is she crazy, like it says on her bracelet, or is she just looking at my sheets? I dunno!