I'm not the comic of the generation, I'm not even the funniest guy in my family.

Jesse Joyce is a great writer.

When I first saw a strap on, I put it on my head and ran around like a rhino.

I smoke so much. Three packs a day... I went to the bathroom, a camel came out of my ass.

The voice in my head has a stutter, and that's really annoying. D-D-D-Dave Dave. What? K-K-K-Kill your p-p-p-parents. L-L-L-Loa... Write it down!

Here's a tip: never get drunk while wearing a hooded sweatshirt. You will eventually think there's someone right behind you.

Everyone was laughin'. Even that deaf mute boy was breathing heavy and pointing at me. Which is laughter to their kind.