I'm not the comic of the generation, I'm not even the funniest guy in my family.

A lot of these kids I think are more content just to be on Facebook and the computer than they are to actually go out. They just really want to get a picture to post to their buddies, and that's about it.

If I had a kid, I'd give him a name that would make everyone would want to say his name. I'd call him, Pizza-Pussy-Santa. I would! Cause everybody likes one of those things.

Why do they collect garbarge at 5am? Why? It's garbage. It's not going to go bad again.

Women have all the power because women have all the vaginas.

You know, men and women are a lot alike in certain situations. Like when they're both on fire - they're exactly alike.

Even now, as we speak, people are having sex with animals. And we wonder why the animals attack us.