I'm not the comic of the generation, I'm not even the funniest guy in my family.

For me, Molly Hatchet is high school. It makes me feel like I have hair and a future.

So, I travel a lot. I hate traveling, mostly 'cause my dad used to beat me with a globe.

I hang out with my dad mostly, my dad was in the military. He's at that age now where his war stories and other stories have blended together, so now you don't know what he's talking about. One time, we were surrounded, then we ran out of ammo, then we were fighting hand-to-hand, then we started dancing, and that's how I met your mother.

I watch the Discovery Channel, and you know what I've discovered? I need a girlfriend.

I smoke so much. Three packs a day... I went to the bathroom, a camel came out of my ass.

The voice in my head has a stutter, and that's really annoying. D-D-D-Dave Dave. What? K-K-K-Kill your p-p-p-parents. L-L-L-Loa... Write it down!