I'm not the comic of the generation, I'm not even the funniest guy in my family.

Never drink alone, that's what they say. But you know what? If you drink you will never be alone, alright?

I went skiing today, too, yeah. I didn't wanna go. The girl I'm stalking wanted to go, so... I'm not kiddin!

Have you seen that magazine Barely Legal? That means when you look at it, you're almost a pedophile.

I'm very romantic when I masturbate. Sometimes I light a candle...then I try and shoot it out. It's like a carnival.

If I was to have sex with one animal it would be a horse. That is a beautiful animal. And when you have sex with a horse, you know you always have a ride home.

You know what wakes me up? A tongue in the ass. There is no alarm clock on that one, you are up, you are shaking, you are in a karate stance.....the day has begun.