Never drink alone, that's what they say. But you know what? If you drink you will never be alone, alright?

I get recognized, but I'm not really a famous famous.

I have a lot of pot tendencies. I'm always late, I laugh for no reason, I watch Jeopardy! with the sound off and make up my own questions.

Sometimes it's hard to tell if a joke is working or not for the first couple of minutes.

My day jobs... I knew I was bad at those, so I didn't really have the confidence to think that I could do comedy. But I knew I hated the day jobs.

My cousin had a baby and I was watching her breastfeed for a couple of bucks, and I'll tell you ladies: it's amazing.

I gotta quit smoking, doctor's orders, and the drinking, court orders.