Never drink alone, that's what they say. But you know what? If you drink you will never be alone, alright?

Is she crazy, like it says on her bracelet, or is she just looking at my sheets? I dunno!

I'm a joke comic. I tell jokes. I like writing a joke, and I like when a joke works, and I like other comics who tell jokes.

If you take off your pants and her first reaction is, "Awwww, look at it...like a little baby Jesus." Time to buy a Porsche.

You ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you've had?

Everyone was laughin'. Even that deaf mute boy was breathing heavy and pointing at me. Which is laughter to their kind.

Aspirin will not bring dead hookers back to life.