You know what wakes me up? A tongue in the ass. There is no alarm clock on that one, you are up, you are shaking, you are in a karate stance.....the day has begun.

Have you seen that magazine Barely Legal? That means when you look at it, you're almost a pedophile.

Jesse Joyce is a great writer.

Sparklers are the gay cousins of the fireworks family.

I went skiing today, too, yeah. I didn't wanna go. The girl I'm stalking wanted to go, so... I'm not kiddin!

I gotta quit smoking, doctor's orders, and the drinking, court orders.

You know, men and women are a lot alike in certain situations. Like when they're both on fire - they're exactly alike.