Have you seen that magazine Barely Legal? That means when you look at it, you're almost a pedophile.

Let's say you're in a situation where crystal meth can help you. Like, I don't know, you have too many teeth.

Sometimes it's hard to tell if a joke is working or not for the first couple of minutes.

I don't watch reality TV.

I hang out with my dad mostly, my dad was in the military. He's at that age now where his war stories and other stories have blended together, so now you don't know what he's talking about. One time, we were surrounded, then we ran out of ammo, then we were fighting hand-to-hand, then we started dancing, and that's how I met your mother.

I'm not the comic of the generation, I'm not even the funniest guy in my family.

So, I travel a lot. I hate traveling, mostly 'cause my dad used to beat me with a globe.