Have you seen that magazine Barely Legal? That means when you look at it, you're almost a pedophile.

Jesse Joyce is a great writer.

I don't have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend I do. I just stand in my apartment screaming No, that's not what I said!

Sparklers are the gay cousins of the fireworks family.

I like doing stand-up and I love putting out TV specials. I'm not an actor though, so I don't really have much choice in the matter.

Even now, as we speak, people are having sex with animals. And we wonder why the animals attack us.

There's a fine line between masturbating while you look out a window, and masturbating while you're looking in a window. I'll give you a hint: one of 'em is super illegal.