I'm very romantic when I masturbate. Sometimes I light a candle...then I try and shoot it out. It's like a carnival.

Friends are important, dontcha think? Hmmm? I think so. The way I see it, you got friends, and you got your best friend, big difference. To me, a friend's a guy who will help you move. A best friend's a guy who will help you move a body. That's how I look at it.

I have an imagination because my life is so boring that my imagination lets me get off the reality of what's going on.

My day jobs... I knew I was bad at those, so I didn't really have the confidence to think that I could do comedy. But I knew I hated the day jobs.

Pre-mature ejaculation. Let's talk about it. Premature ejaculation. That's a pretty fancy term for, "Ooooooh Oh no. This has never happened before."

Why do they collect garbarge at 5am? Why? It's garbage. It's not going to go bad again.

Let's say you're in a situation where crystal meth can help you. Like, I don't know, you have too many teeth.