I'm very romantic when I masturbate. Sometimes I light a candle...then I try and shoot it out. It's like a carnival.

I love Fear Factor, but I think they're running out of fears. It's only a matter of time before they're sitting around doing shots of Hepatitis C.

I gotta quit smoking, doctor's orders, and the drinking, court orders.

Let's say you're in a situation where crystal meth can help you. Like, I don't know, you have too many teeth.

Have you seen that magazine Barely Legal? That means when you look at it, you're almost a pedophile.

Things have been invented because of alcohol. Like the taser, okay? Yeah! The morning after pill, okay? The reach-around. Judge Judy. What has pot given the world? Hackey sack? YEAH! Hilarious ring tones? OH GAH! Ultimate Frisbee Championships? It sucks to be a champion at a sport that can't get you laid. It's an unneeded skill like, I dunno, being the best banjo player. Or a squirter.

So, I travel a lot. I hate traveling, mostly 'cause my dad used to beat me with a globe.