I'm very romantic when I masturbate. Sometimes I light a candle...then I try and shoot it out. It's like a carnival.

Have you seen that magazine Barely Legal? That means when you look at it, you're almost a pedophile.

My gym has two-pound weights. If you're using two-pound weights, how did you even open the door to the gym? What's your dream? To pump up and open your mail?

I'm a joke comic. I tell jokes.

I don't think I'm a star or a celebrity or any thing like that.

Let's say you're in a situation where crystal meth can help you. Like, I don't know, you have too many teeth.

I've never had a surprise birthday party. I've had every other type of surprise. I've had surprise beatings, surprise drug tests, surprise daughter I think.