You gotta make your own fun. That's right, listen to that mother of two, she knows what I'm talking about.

My cousin had a baby and I was watching her breastfeed for a couple of bucks, and I'll tell you ladies: it's amazing.

I have an imagination because my life is so boring that my imagination lets me get off the reality of what's going on.

Never drink alone, that's what they say. But you know what? If you drink you will never be alone, alright?

You see a guy with one leg, he's got a story. "Land mine '69." You see a guy with one arm, he's got a story, too. "Snow blower, bottle of whiskey." You see a guy with one tooth, what would the story be? "Well, uh, I like a lot of taffy."

Sparklers are the gay cousins of the fireworks family.

When I was a kid, I really loved Indians. Native Americans. Pardon. Me.