You gotta make your own fun. That's right, listen to that mother of two, she knows what I'm talking about.

I'm sitting in the bus station, minding my own business, reading 'Ta-Da!' magazine; a magazine by and for gay magicians, but that's a different story.

My day jobs... I knew I was bad at those, so I didn't really have the confidence to think that I could do comedy. But I knew I hated the day jobs.

I watch the Discovery Channel, and you know what I've discovered? I need a girlfriend.

It's a horrible economy but I'm trying to do my part. I just bought a new shower curtain it has all the presidents on it. Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with all the presidents staring at you? And when the water hits them it looks like they're crying.

I'm not really a music guy.

Sex and murder are the same. Well, you say the same after both don't you? "Damn I got to get the hell out of here!" "What was I thinking!"