Everyone was laughin'. Even that deaf mute boy was breathing heavy and pointing at me. Which is laughter to their kind.

I love Fear Factor, but I think they're running out of fears. It's only a matter of time before they're sitting around doing shots of Hepatitis C.

If you go to Germany and get drunk, at some point you will try to look up Hitler in the phone book.

I smoke so much. Three packs a day... I went to the bathroom, a camel came out of my ass.

I'm a stand-up comic. Anything else I do besides that is a plus, but stand-up comedy is what I do, it's what I've been doing and it's what I'm going to keep doing.

Is she crazy, like it says on her bracelet, or is she just looking at my sheets? I dunno!

Everything you do, burns calories. Getting up in the morning, 100 calories; kicking the hooker out of your bed, another 100; diapering your monkey, 35 calories; laughing at a midget, fun and 10 calories; catching your girlfriend with another guy, 2000-3000 calories, depending on backswings.