Everyone was laughin'. Even that deaf mute boy was breathing heavy and pointing at me. Which is laughter to their kind.

Once you get offstage you're just like everyone else, and everyone else can get into a fight.

I have an imagination because my life is so boring that my imagination lets me get off the reality of what's going on.

Aspirin will not bring dead hookers back to life.

Sometimes. I get recognized, but I'm not really a famous famous. I'm pretty low on the showbiz totem pole - I mean, I'm no Jon or Kate plus eight. I'm just a comic, not a baby factory.

I never wanted to be famous.

There's a fine line between masturbating while you look out a window, and masturbating while you're looking in a window. I'll give you a hint: one of 'em is super illegal.