Don't get me wrong, I like to cuddle. But there is such a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so that they can't get away.

If you take off your pants and her first reaction is, "Awwww, look at it...like a little baby Jesus." Time to buy a Porsche.

If you go to Germany and get drunk, at some point you will try to look up Hitler in the phone book.

I smoke so much. Three packs a day... I went to the bathroom, a camel came out of my ass.

I watch the Discovery Channel, and you know what I've discovered? I need a girlfriend.

I like doing stand-up and I love putting out TV specials.

Jesse Joyce is a great writer.