I don't have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend I do. I just stand in my apartment screaming No, that's not what I said!

When I first saw a strap on, I put it on my head and ran around like a rhino.

I smoke so much. Three packs a day... I went to the bathroom, a camel came out of my ass.

Let's say you're in a situation where crystal meth can help you. Like, I don't know, you have too many teeth.

I get recognized, but I'm not really a famous famous.

I'm a stand-up comic. Anything else I do besides that is a plus, but stand-up comedy is what I do, it's what I've been doing and it's what I'm going to keep doing.

I tell you one thing that's great about children. They don't need a show to have fun. What do they need? A book of matches, some oily rags, a little brother... that's all they need.