I don't have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend I do. I just stand in my apartment screaming No, that's not what I said!

I love Fear Factor, but I think they're running out of fears. It's only a matter of time before they're sitting around doing shots of Hepatitis C.

I tell you one thing that's great about children. They don't need a show to have fun. What do they need? A book of matches, some oily rags, a little brother... that's all they need.

I hang out with my dad mostly, my dad was in the military. He's at that age now where his war stories and other stories have blended together, so now you don't know what he's talking about. One time, we were surrounded, then we ran out of ammo, then we were fighting hand-to-hand, then we started dancing, and that's how I met your mother.

Are you shooting webs of stupid at me?

I gotta quit smoking, doctor's orders, and the drinking, court orders.

If you go to Germany and get drunk, at some point you will try to look up Hitler in the phone book.