Here's a tip: never get drunk while wearing a hooded sweatshirt. You will eventually think there's someone right behind you.

Sometimes it's hard to tell if a joke is working or not for the first couple of minutes.

Women have all the power because women have all the vaginas.

I tell you one thing that's great about children. They don't need a show to have fun. What do they need? A book of matches, some oily rags, a little brother... that's all they need.

You gotta make your own fun. That's right, listen to that mother of two, she knows what I'm talking about.

For me, Molly Hatchet is high school. It makes me feel like I have hair and a future.

Men are having sex with animals and we wonder why the animals attack us. And I'll tell you why: it's cuz of that one sick man, and it's up to me and a half-mexican to stop him.