Here's a tip: never get drunk while wearing a hooded sweatshirt. You will eventually think there's someone right behind you.

I don't have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend I do. I just stand in my apartment screaming No, that's not what I said!

Are you shooting webs of stupid at me?

I'm not a movie guy, I'm not a TV sitcom guy, but whatever seems to fit and is funny is good for me.

I don't mind a crowd's not laughing; it's the groans that slow down the show.

There's a fine line between masturbating while you look out a window, and masturbating while you're looking in a window. I'll give you a hint: one of 'em is super illegal.

My day jobs... I knew I was bad at those, so I didn't really have the confidence to think that I could do comedy. But I knew I hated the day jobs.