Sparklers are the gay cousins of the fireworks family.

I don't watch reality TV.

Once you get offstage you're just like everyone else, and everyone else can get into a fight.

Yeah, I know, some people are against drunk driving, and I call those people 'the cops.' But you know, sometimes, you've just got no choice; those kids gotta get to school!

You know what wakes me up? A tongue in the ass. There is no alarm clock on that one, you are up, you are shaking, you are in a karate stance.....the day has begun.

Men are having sex with animals and we wonder why the animals attack us. And I'll tell you why: it's cuz of that one sick man, and it's up to me and a half-mexican to stop him.

I smoke so much. Three packs a day... I went to the bathroom, a camel came out of my ass.