I'm a joke comic. I tell jokes.

I never wanted to be famous.

Every dude in here has had a fantasy about Jessica Simpson. Here's mine: Jessica, hold your sister Ashlee so I can kick her in the throat.

Let's say you're in a situation where crystal meth can help you. Like, I don't know, you have too many teeth.

Jesse Joyce is a great writer.

I went skiing today, too, yeah. I didn't wanna go. The girl I'm stalking wanted to go, so... I'm not kiddin!

You can say, 'Can I use your bathroom?' and nobody cares. But if you ask, 'Can I use the plop-plop machine?' it always breaks the conversation.