I like doing stand-up and I love putting out TV specials.

You gotta make your own fun. That's right, listen to that mother of two, she knows what I'm talking about.

I don't have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend I do. I just stand in my apartment screaming No, that's not what I said!

Friends are important, dontcha think? Hmmm? I think so. The way I see it, you got friends, and you got your best friend, big difference. To me, a friend's a guy who will help you move. A best friend's a guy who will help you move a body. That's how I look at it.

You ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you've had?

I went skiing today, too, yeah. I didn't wanna go. The girl I'm stalking wanted to go, so... I'm not kiddin!

Capital punishment, that thing scares me, it really does. I was talking to my friend about the electric chair, and he starts freakin' out. He's like 'the electric chair? That's too good for these people. That's too good for them'. Alright, how do we make the electric chair worse? How about this? They have to pedal a car battery to their own head. Is that ok? Is that enough, Mr. Hitler?