If Mozart had power tools, there's no telling how great his music might have been.

I bet that if you actually read the entire vastness of the U.S. Tax Code, you'd find at least one sex scene . . .

The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber has already been cut and attached together in the form of furniture finished and put inside boxes.

In fact, when you get right down to it, almost every explanation Man came up with for anything until about 1926 was stupid.

I was very pleased to get a Supreme Court justice suggesting a column, so I went and did a column about Beano. I went with my wife and another guy to a Mexican restaurant, which we thought would be the ultimate test for an antiflatulance product. There's a reason most of Mexico is located out of doors. And it worked. Several newspapers refused to run that column. But they did run advertisements for Beano.

I will vote for the first candidate who promises to use nuclear missiles against LinkedIn.

I actually like south Florida. I never lived in a more interesting place than this. I've never met a wider range of people. I guess when I came here I thought there were Cubans and then there were people from New York and that was Miami. Now I know that it's Cubans, people from New York, and some people from New Jersey.