By today's beauty standards, of course, Marilyn Monroe was an oil tanker.

Europeans, like some Americans, drive on the right side of the road, except in England, where they drive on both sides of the road; Italy, where they drive on the sidewalk; and France, where if necessary they will follow you right into the hotel lobby.

You cannot paint the exterior of your house. You have to take the paint chip down to show the paint-chip Nazis.

I always assumed that at some point I would have to quit making jokes, get a real job and do something meaningful and productive that would actually benefit society. Fortunately this never happened.

AARP is a large and powerful organization, similar to the Mafia but more concerned about dietary fiber.

You've read newspaper stories about elderly widows who die and leave their entire estates to their pet cats, right? Well, your cat reads those stories too, and has spent most of its skulking, devious little life dreaming about inheriting all your money.

If the people in Europe are SOOOOOO smart, how come so many of them can't seem to locate the deodorant, huh?