The primary function of the government is - and here I am quoting directly from the U.S. Constitution - 'to spew out paper.'

If for some reason you are unsure where to go, all you have to do is stand there looking lost, and within seconds a helpful New Yorker will approach to see if you have any "spare" change.

I can snap your spine like a toothpick.

Can we move this conversation along, I'm getting frightfully tired of 'hoa'.

Entire new continent can emerge from the ocean in the time it takes for a Web page to show up on your screen. Contrary to what you may have heard, the Internet does not operate at the speed of light; it operates at the speed of the DMV.

In 1765, Parliament passed the Stamp Act, which, as any American high school student can tell you, was an act that apparently had something to do with stamps.

Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.