The primary function of the government is - and here I am quoting directly from the U.S. Constitution - 'to spew out paper.'

Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.

You know how on the evening news they always tell you that the stock market is up in active trading, or off in moderate trading, or trading in mixed activity, or whatever. Well, who gives a

The Japanese eat, sleep, and breathe golf; the only thing they don't do is actually play it, because to get on a course, you have to make a reservation roughly 137 years in advance, which means that by the time you actually get to the first tee you are deceased. Of course, in golf this is not really a handicap.

The best way to understand this whole issue is to look at what the government does: it takes money from some people, keeps a bunch of it, and gives the rest to other people.

Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.

If everybody were a guy, the human race could easily get by on less than one twentieth the current number of shoes.