Babies are equipped at birth with a number of instinctive reflexes and behavior patterns that cause them to spend their first several years trying to kill themselves. If your home contains a sharp, toxic object, your baby will locate it; if your home contains no such object, your baby will try to obtain one via mail order.

If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and furry.

Your federal government needs your money so that it can perform vital services for you that you would not think up yourself in a million years.

I am a superior form of human and I have absolutely no quirks or irrational impulses of any kind.

I like golf because you can be really terrible at it, and still not look much dorkier than anybody else.

I, alone, could never have produced this book. I say this mainly in case there are lawsuits.

Although humans tend to view sex as mainly a fun recreational activity sometimes resulting in death, in nature it is a far more serious matter.