Babies are equipped at birth with a number of instinctive reflexes and behavior patterns that cause them to spend their first several years trying to kill themselves. If your home contains a sharp, toxic object, your baby will locate it; if your home contains no such object, your baby will try to obtain one via mail order.

I care about our young people, and I wish them great success, because they are our Hope for the Future, and some day, when my generation retires, they will have to pay us trillions of dollars in social security

The Internet is a giant international network of intelligent, informed computer enthusiasts, by which I mean, "people without lives." We don't care. We have each other.

The old system of having a baby was much better than the new system, the old system being characterized by the fact that the man didn't have to watch.

Your modern teenager is not about to listen to advice from an old person, defined as a person who remembers when there was no Velcro.

Geographically, Ireland is a medium-sized rural island that is slowly but steadily being consumed by sheep.

The information encoded in your DNA determines your unique biological characteristics, such as sex, eye color, age and Social Security number.