I do some of my best reading while seated in the bathroom.

A small deer came into my camp and stole my bag of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call.

We journalists make it a point to know very little about an extremely wide variety of topics; this is how we stay objective.

The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.

We journalists... are also extremely impressed with scientists, and we will, frankly, print just about any wacky thing they tell us, especially if it involves outer space.

I hate to speak for the whole society, but I will. I'm a journalist, it's my job. There's been something of a reaction against political correctness. Needless to say, the government hasn't caught up yet.

...when the armed robber of unhappiness knocks over the Keebler cookie display of our complacency, and bangs the samurai sword of negativity on the checkout counter of our dreams, we must not be afraid to hurl the fruit cocktail can of hope.