I do some of my best reading while seated in the bathroom.

Sign at a Kentucky appliance store: Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work.

As far as outlining is concerned, I don't outline humor. I might right down a word or two to remind myself of a punch line I thought of, but the actual structure of a piece I really don't. I don't think it would really help me because for me the process is joke, joke, joke, joke.

If you're like most members of the Baby Boom generation, you decided somewhere along the line, probably after about four margaritas, to have children. This was inevitable. Mother Nature, in her infinite wisdom, has instilled within each of us a powerful biological instinct to reproduce; this is her way of assuring that the human race, come what may, will never have any disposable income.

Humor is an escape, because you cannot think about your problems when you are trying to be funny; so, in essence, "being a humorist" gives you a valid excuse to hide from your pain.

For most celebrities, the biggest meal of the day is toothpaste (they use reduced-fat Crest).

Washington is nicknamed "The Evergreen State" because it sounds better than "The Incessant Nagging Drizzle State."