England manufactures most of the world's airline food, as well as all the food you ever ate in your junior-high-school cafeteria.

Everybody in New York, including police horses, dresses fashionably, and whenever I'm there, even in my sharpest funeral-quality suit with no visible ketchup stains, I feel as though I'm wearing a Hefty trash bag. And it's last year's Hefty trash bag.

But if I hadn't shoved you off the boat back there,you'd be lost at sea now,wouldn't you? We'd all be lost! So thanks to me you're all standing on land." (Pirates, its a good thing they're idiots)

Today's beauty ideal, strictly enforced by the media, is a person with the same level of body fat as a paper clip.

I feel like I have more experience with publishing humor than pretty much any editor I'm going to be dealing with so sometimes I'll get a little bit nuts if I write something I know is good a certain way, and some editor because of some restriction he has and wants to change it that I know is going to make it less funny that'll piss me off and then I'm inclined to go, "Well, hey I've been doing this a long time, maybe you should..." That doesn't happen that often, but I'm more likely to say that now than I would have been a long time ago. Because dammit, I'm infallible!

Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent.

If the people in Europe are SOOOOOO smart, how come so many of them can't seem to locate the deodorant, huh?