I recently had my annual physical examination, which I get once every seven years, and when the nurse weighed me, I was shocked to discover how much stronger the Earth's gravitational pull has become since 1990.

Your modern teenager is not about to listen to advice from an old person, defined as a person who remembers when there was no Velcro.

To people who make moving ads that block the view of websites: Not only will we not buy from you, but we want shrews to eat your liver.

Technically, Windows is an "operating system," which means that it supplies your computer with the basic commands that it needs to suddenly, with no warning whatsoever, stop operating.

If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and furry.

People are afraid to own their own homes. People are afraid their own government will catch them fixing their houses.

The IRS spends God knows how much of your tax money on these toll-free information hotlines staffed by IRS employees, whose idea of a dynamite tax tip is that you should print neatly.