I recently had my annual physical examination, which I get once every seven years, and when the nurse weighed me, I was shocked to discover how much stronger the Earth's gravitational pull has become since 1990.

England is a very popular foreign country to visit because the people there speak some English.

If everybody were a guy, the human race could easily get by on less than one twentieth the current number of shoes.

I will vote for the first candidate who promises to use nuclear missiles against LinkedIn.

I do some of my best reading while seated in the bathroom.

Auto racing is boring except when a car is going at least 172 miles per hour upside down.

We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail.