Rembrandt's first name was Beauregard, which is why he never used it.

But my point is that competitive eating is a real sport, and I considered taking it up. But when I thought about what this would mean sitting around for hours, stuffing my face with unhealthy food I realized it was basically the same thing as journalism.

Meetings are places where dead ideas rise from their graves and eat the brains of the living.

Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

All other nations are drinking Ray Charles beer and we are drinking Barry Manilow.

See, when the government spends money, it creates jobs; whereas when the money is left in the hands of taxpayers, God only knows what they do with it. Bake it into pies, probably. Anything to avoid creating jobs.

Sign at a Tennessee highway: When this sign is under water, this road is impassable.