We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail.

I always wanted to write when I was a kid; it just never occurred to me that you could have a job that didn't involve any actual work.... I felt it would be fun to have a job like that where you could make stuff up and be irresponsible and get paid for it.

AARP is a large and powerful organization, similar to the Mafia but more concerned about dietary fiber.

'I'm sorry,' guys are always telling women, 'but I'm just not ready to make a commitment.' Guys are in a permanent state of nonreadiness. If guys were turkey breasts, you could put them in a 350-degree oven on July Fourth, and they still wouldn't be done in time for Thanksgiving.

My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far today, I have finished 2 bags of M&M's and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.

...Hell, which as every frequent traveler knows, is in Concourse D of O'Hare Airport.

How can you be afraid of women?” “Those ain’t normal women.