Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

The population of earth has reached 7 billion people, every single one of whom send you irritating emails to join something called "LinkedIn."

You should never pick up a newspaper when you're feeling good, because every newspaper has a special department, called the Bummer Desk, which is responsible for digging up depressing front-page stories.

I have never had a point in my life to make. I'm just trying to entertain the reader.

I was a young person once, shortly after the polar ice caps retreated, and I distinctly recall believing that virtually all adults were clueless goobers.

I love the Olympics, because they enable people from all over the world to come together and--regardless of their political or cultural differences--accuse each other of cheating.

As a professional journalist, I have always been fascinated by people who appear to have even more spare time than I do.