The whole thing about whether you smoke marijuana or not is so ridiculous. That and whether you protested the Vietnam War. Give me a break. Especially the marijuana thing.

My son, Rob....said the only time he ever wraps a gift is, quote, "if it's such a poor gift that I don't want to be there when the person opens it."

I think I became funny because I grew up in the Bronx. I was small and weak and Jewish instead of large and fierce and Puerto Rican. You need something.

If everybody were a guy, the human race could easily get by on less than one twentieth the current number of shoes.

'I'm sorry,' guys are always telling women, 'but I'm just not ready to make a commitment.' Guys are in a permanent state of nonreadiness. If guys were turkey breasts, you could put them in a 350-degree oven on July Fourth, and they still wouldn't be done in time for Thanksgiving.

The population of earth has reached 7 billion people, every single one of whom send you irritating emails to join something called "LinkedIn."

Alan Zweibel is the funniest writer in the world. He might be even funnier when he's naked, but I'm afraid to find out.