I think I became funny because I grew up in the Bronx. I was small and weak and Jewish instead of large and fierce and Puerto Rican. You need something.

I don't have any insight or understanding on anything about the government. All I think is that it's stupid - which is the one perspective that's almost completely lacking in Washington.

I want to gag sometimes when I see who "we" are recommending that people vote for, and not just as a libertarian.

I've never been struck by lightning as far as I know, so the Higher Power is treating me as well as even those people who love him very much.

The nuclear generator of brain sludge is television.

You don't have to think really hard to get the joke. I think humor in general appeals to all people.

I know that all over America there's probably politicians sending out pictures of themselves signing that mandatory helmet bill, but it's bullshit. I say that as a parent.