I called a company and asked to speak to Bob. The person who answered said, "Bob is on vacation. Would you like to hold?

I have always dressed according to certain Basic Guy Fashion Rules,including: Both of your socks should always be the same color, Or they should at least both be fairly dark.

With humor you have so many options with topics and length, I mean I can write humor essays in books now and they can be as long as I want them to be.

But that's kind of an easy stance to be if you're a humor columnist, because you're tending to make fun of the government and the powerful. I'm sort of a soft-core libertarian in that my compass is generally pointing away from 'Let's let the government do this' Does it matter to me that it's Democrats who think we need more elaborate programs that involve shifting money from one group to another group or it's Republicans saying we need to take a harder look at what kinds of things people are watching on cable TV? Neither one of those things strikes me as a good idea.

Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.

Your federal government needs your money so that it can perform vital services for you that you would not think up yourself in a million years.

I tell people view the federal government as a source of entertainment. It's a lot easier.