I tell people view the federal government as a source of entertainment. It's a lot easier.

I called a company and asked to speak to Bob. The person who answered said, "Bob is on vacation. Would you like to hold?

There are terrific TV shows now. This is a golden age for TV humor, I think. There's an actual market there. Of course, I have no idea how you'd break in, but there must be a way. They have all these shows and they need jokes and somebody is writing them.

Americans who travel abroad for the first time are often shocked to discover that, despite all the progress that has been made in the last 30 years, many foreign people still speak in foreign languages

Epcot Center also features pavilions built by various foreign nations, where you can experience an extremely realistic simulation of what life in these nations would be like if they consisted almost entirely of restaurants and souvenir stores.

People are afraid to own their own homes. People are afraid their own government will catch them fixing their houses.

Dogs do not grasp the concept of house cleaning.