Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.

Don't you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! Plus, you can repeat words! And they don't even have to be true!

For most celebrities, the biggest meal of the day is toothpaste (they use reduced-fat Crest).

Your friends love you anyway.

You can say any fool thing to a dog and the dog will just give you this look that says, 'My GOSH, you're RIGHT! I NEVER would've thought of that!

Any parent that relies on any law to help him parent is an idiot.

I was very pleased to get a Supreme Court justice suggesting a column, so I went and did a column about Beano. I went with my wife and another guy to a Mexican restaurant, which we thought would be the ultimate test for an antiflatulance product. There's a reason most of Mexico is located out of doors. And it worked. Several newspapers refused to run that column. But they did run advertisements for Beano.