Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.

The United States tried, by depressing the clutch of diplomacy and downshifting the gearshift lever of rhetoric, to remain neutral, but it became increasingly obvious that the nation was going to get into a war, especially since it was almost 1812.

What gets me is, I waited in line for an hour to do this. I could have experienced essentially the same level of enjoyment merely by sticking my finger down my throat.

A small deer came into my camp and stole my bag of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call.

Dear Hotel People: We don't need a cheeseball clock-radio. WE NEED PLACES TO PLUG STUFF IN. Thank you.

By today's beauty standards, of course, Marilyn Monroe was an oil tanker.

English history consists largely of royal people getting their heads chopped off...Needless to say, this brand of history was a hit with our son.