Chair lifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful views without having to hike to them.

European toilet paper is made from the same material that Americans use for roofing, which is why Europeans tend to remain standing throughout soccer matches.

The primary function of the government is - and here I am quoting directly from the U.S. Constitution - 'to spew out paper.'

Crabgrass can grow on bowling balls in airless rooms, and there is no known way to kill it that does not involve nuclear weapons.

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.

Like many members of the uncultured, Cheez-It consuming public, I am not good at grasping modern art.

I guess the negative thing that happens to me is that I'm old now. They said there was a generation I was too young for and now some will say there's probably 10 generations I'm too old for. They'll say, isn't he dead or retired or whatever? Or it just becomes fashionable to say "Oh he's not funny anymore," which, I don't know, maybe to them I'm not. I'm more likely to hear that now than I am to hear that I'm unacceptably risqué.