The method preferred by most balding men for making themselves look silly is called the comb over.

Canada, as you know, is a major important nation boasting a sophisticated, cosmopolitan culture that was tragically destroyed last week by beavers.

American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including floor wax, that has fat in it.

If for some reason you are unsure where to go, all you have to do is stand there looking lost, and within seconds a helpful New Yorker will approach to see if you have any "spare" change.

All these people helped make this book possible. But let me make one thing clear: If there are any errors or omissions in this book, these people are not responsible. In the end, there is only one person responsible for what I write, and that person, of course, is: Donald Trump.

Your modern teenager is not about to listen to advice from an old person, defined as a person who remembers when there was no Velcro.

I've never actually given birth to a child, but I suspect that going to a Justin Bieber concert with a child is close.