American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including floor wax, that has fat in it.

Meetings are an addictive, highly self-indulgent activity that corporations and other large organizations habitually engage in only because they cannot actually masturbate.

Remember: What dad really wants is a nap. Really.

Basically Ken is a very gentle, home-loving person. I remember when one of his stick insects had a knee infection. He stayed up all night rubbing it with germoline and banging its head on the table.

Skiers view snowboarders as a menace; snowboarders view skiers as Elmer Fudd.

Computers operate on simple principles that can be easily understood by anybody with some common sense, a little imagination, and an IQ of 750.

We don't shoot somebody soon, I'm gonna forget how