I always assumed that at some point I would have to quit making jokes, get a real job and do something meaningful and productive that would actually benefit society. Fortunately this never happened.

You might have mentioned this to me Molly,” said Leonard. “The fact that there are hostile natives on the island.” “I forgot,” said Molly. “You forgot?” said Leonard. “There’s been a lot happening,” said Molly.

One night in Tokyo we watched two Japanese businessmen saying good-night to each other after what had clearly been a long night of drinking, a major participant sport in Japan. These men were totally snockered, having reached the stage of inebriation wherein every air molecule that struck caused them to wobble slightly, but they still managed to behave more formally than Americans do at funerals.

Your modern teenager is not about to listen to advice from an old person, defined as a person who remembers when there was no Velcro.

Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent?

For most celebrities, the biggest meal of the day is toothpaste (they use reduced-fat Crest).

DNA is an abbreviation for deoxyribonucleicantidisestablishmentarianism, a complex string of syllables.