The United States tried, by depressing the clutch of diplomacy and downshifting the gearshift lever of rhetoric, to remain neutral, but it became increasingly obvious that the nation was going to get into a war, especially since it was almost 1812.

Trails need to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill.

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

The old system of having a baby was much better than the new system, the old system being characterized by the fact that the man didn't have to watch.

I've gained a few pounds around the middle. The only lower body garments I own that still fit me comfortably are towels.

The doctor looked at my cardiogram and made that "hmmmm" noise that doctors are taught in medical school so they won't come right out and say "UH-oh!"

What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death.