...when the armed robber of unhappiness knocks over the Keebler cookie display of our complacency, and bangs the samurai sword of negativity on the checkout counter of our dreams, we must not be afraid to hurl the fruit cocktail can of hope.

Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.

I’ve noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse.

Never try to put all the chemicals in the entire world in your body at the same time.

You must prepare yourselves, young people, because Uncle Dave's generation is getting old. We are almost ready to go to the retirement home to spend the rest of our days tapping our bedpans rhythmically in time to "easy listening" rock 'n' roll. We must pass the torch on to you, and you must grasp it, ideally by the end that is not on fire.

Ban walking sticks in wilderness. Hikers that use walking sticks are more likely to chase animals.

We idolized the Beatles, except for those of us who idolized the Rolling Stones, who in those days still had many of their original teeth.