The beer sold here in the United States is sweet and watery and lacking in taste and overcarbonated and just generally the lamest, wimpiest beer in the entire known world. All the other nations are drinking Ray Charles beer, and we are drinking Barry Manilow.

If you look at photos of the Gettysburg Address there's a guy off to the right who I think is Keith Richards.

The population of earth has reached 7 billion people, every single one of whom send you irritating emails to join something called "LinkedIn."

People - just weird people are attracted to Miami. And they come there not for serious reasons, usually.

Most of the presidential candidates' economic packages involve 'tax breaks,' which is when the government, amid great fanfare, generously decides not to take quite so much of your income. In other words, these candidates are trying to buy your votes with your own money.

England manufactures most of the world's airline food, as well as all the food you ever ate in your junior-high-school cafeteria.

I've come to realize that you're going to get criticized no matter what. Somebody will always hate what you write, especially if you write humor for a fairly broad audience. Somebody will always find it not funny and declare you're not funny anymore. And sometimes people are just crazy.