Like all writers, my greatest inspiration, my ultimate muse, is a deadline.

People don't think of writers as sex objects. The women who write to me and suggest that we ought to have sex usually turn out to be, like, eighty. And their letters always end with, "Just joking."

Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.

Do not put this product in a big vat and drop rats into it from a cat-walk.

You cannot paint the exterior of your house. You have to take the paint chip down to show the paint-chip Nazis.

The whole thing about whether you smoke marijuana or not is so ridiculous. That and whether you protested the Vietnam War. Give me a break. Especially the marijuana thing.

Sign at a Kentucky appliance store: Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work.