Geographically, Ireland is a medium-sized rural island that is slowly but steadily being consumed by sheep.

Now, once again, we find ourselves facing rising gas prices, and the question is: This time, are we going to learn from the past? Are we finally going to get serious about energy conservation? Of course not! We have the brains of mealworms! So we need to get more oil somehow. As far as I can figure, there's only one practical way to do this. That's right: We need to clone more dinosaurs. We have the technology, as was shown in two blockbuster scientific movies, Jurassic Park and Jurassic Park Returns with Exactly the Same Plot. Once we have the dinosaurs, all we need is an asteroid.

The hardest thing about being a guy is that women don't accept that you really are just a simple, pathetic, labrador retriever-like creature. That we live in a world were women actually expect you to think thoughtful thoughts, and have real emotions, which we don't have. Having to try to live up to the imaginary ideal that women have of what men are, instead of just being what you are, which is just a pathetic creature, but still.

I am not a violent person. I am a product of the Flower Power '60s. I have actually worn bell-bottomed jeans.

Miami, you can never run out of material. As long as you have Miami around you, you will never, never stop being amused.

Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.

A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.