Without computers, the government would be unable to function at the level of effectiveness and efficiency that we have come to expect. . . . Today's government uses computers which are capable of cranking out millions of documents per day without any regard whatsoever for their content, thereby freeing government employees for more important responsibilities, such as not answering their phones.

I suspect that LaGuardia is an elaborate prank, and New York has a real airport nearby that only locals know about.

The simple truth is that balding African-American men look cool when they shave their heads, whereas balding white men look like giant thumbs.

The major parties could conduct live human sacrifices on their podiums during prime time, and I doubt that anybody would notice.

Skiers view snowboarders as a menace; snowboarders view skiers as Elmer Fudd.

Meetings are an addictive, highly self-indulgent activity that corporations and other large organizations habitually engage in only because they cannot actually masturbate.

One day soon the Gillette company will announce the development of a razor that, thanks to a computer microchip, can actually travel ahead in time and shave beard hairs that don't even exist yet