The simple truth is that balding African-American men look cool when they shave their heads, whereas balding white men look like giant thumbs.

Cigarette sales would drop to zero overnight if the warning said "CIGARETTES CONTAIN FAT.

When I was a kid, I thought history was the most boring subject of all. I shouldn't blame my teachers; I should blame me, but I'll blame them.

I've always found relationships, men and women, the fact that they are so radically different, and it manifests itself in so many different ways, and yet somehow we still try to live together and be friends. I find that endlessly valuable as a source of material for humor. Generally dogs are always funny in my opinion. And the federal government - just a relentlessly productive source of humor.

My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far today, I have finished 2 bags of M&M's and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.

All other nations are drinking Ray Charles beer and we are drinking Barry Manilow.

maybe somebody finally shot the dog.