The simple truth is that balding African-American men look cool when they shave their heads, whereas balding white men look like giant thumbs.

I believe it was Shakespeare, or possibly Howard Cosell, who first observed that marriage is very much like a birthday candle, in that 'the flames of passion burn brightest when the wick of intimacy is first ignited by the disposable butane lighter of physical attraction, but sooner or later the heat of familiarity causes the wax of boredom to drip all over the vanilla frosting of novelty and the shredded coconut of romance.' I could not have phrased it better myself.

There's only one way kids will wear helmets, and that's if their parents are nagging them to. They will never wear helmets because some state passes a law requiring it.

Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid.

Today's toys contain computer chips, so they can move and talk; this stimulates the mind of your child. Notice I say "your child." MY child just wants to eat the toys.

Today's scientific question is: What in the world is electricity? And where does it go after it leaves the toaster?

I think Superman should go on the Larry King show and announce that he would come back to life if people in all 50 states wanted him to.