Every year, hundreds of thousands of people try their hand at this demanding profession (humor columnist). After a few months, almost all of them have given up and gone back to the ninth grade.

When doctors describe pain as experiencing "discomfort," it's like saying Hiroshima experienced "urban renewal".

If Peter was nine, and a new boy came to St. Norbert’s Home for Wayward Boys who said he was ten, why, then, Peter would declare himself eleven. Also, he could spit the farthest. That made him the undisputed leader.

Aside from Velcro, time is the most mysterious substance in the universe.

Miami, you can never run out of material. As long as you have Miami around you, you will never, never stop being amused.

As a child, I was more afraid of tetanus shots than, for example, Dracula.

Reporters aren't stupid. We were standing around talking about which of the 900 health-care proposals that nobody's going to accept is that day's hot news. They know how silly that is. But that's what they do.