Software: These programs give instruction to the CPU, which processes billions of tiny facts called bytes, and within a fraction of a second it sends you an error message that requires you to call the customer-support hot line and be placed on hold for approximately the life-span of a caribou.

My mother told me, “Son, it is better to be rich and healthy than poor and sick.” I have tried very hard to heed those words.

Murphy's golden rule: Whoever has the gold, makes the rules.

Dinner Special - Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00

To better understand why you need a personal computer, let's take a look at the pathetic mess you call your life.

The primary function of the government is - and here I am quoting directly from the U.S. Constitution - 'to spew out paper.'

The issue we are reluctant to talk about is even more sensitive than condoms. The issue - and I will try to be tasteful here - is that sometimes it seems like maybe the president of the United States is kind of dumb. If you get what I mean. What I mean is, I am not totally confident that the president would get what I mean, unless several aides explained it to him. And even then, he might forget.